someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
