tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
