He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
