i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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