brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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