i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I touched a dick in church today
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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