She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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