blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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