Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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