the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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