you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm getting married
To pizza
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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