I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
