I cannot find my penis.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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