Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize