im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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