Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
