Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
