when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
