those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
