Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
