I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
