How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
