So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
