I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
