All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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