You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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