Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
