You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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