my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
