this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
