what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
