Whod you bang
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
