your parents love me but you hate me
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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