I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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