I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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