For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
