I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
