in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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