i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize