Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize