You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
