When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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