there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
