I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
