Moan for me like Helen Keller
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
