Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
