Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm at about main and main street
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
