why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
