She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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