I am in a vortex of obligation.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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