pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
