dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
how does that bad decision feel?
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