Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
