I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
