If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize