You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
