I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
