so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
